Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh she’s cooked

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

The internet is full of many things

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

😊🦆