Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

Every. Damn. Time.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”