Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

“How’s your day going?”

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone