At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!