Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*