At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
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Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ