Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir!!

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

inside you are two wolves

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.