At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
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My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”