At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
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On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Yes, this is exactly right
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.