@juliussharpe

At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.

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@AbbyHasIssues

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

@JaySuch

My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.

@Desert_Musings

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

@fro_vo

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

@shutupmikeginn

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

@jonnysun

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

@HomeProbably

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

@MooseAllain

My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.

@ericsshadow

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters