My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse
-Are you describing Chuck Norris?
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
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Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Made a friend today. Well, I knocked on my window when a guy walked past my house. I’ll name him Terry.
my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast
“they’re eating dog food”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.