So, I got banned from the toy store today…
You Might Also Like
Thursday
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.