@juliussharpe

At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.

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@caperbc75

My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse

-Are you describing Chuck Norris?

Yes

@julietactually

Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho

@mrkoodge

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

@momTruthBomb

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

@AmishPornStar1

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

@LeviathanPride

Made a friend today. Well, I knocked on my window when a guy walked past my house. I’ll name him Terry.

@iwearaonesie

my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast

“they’re eating dog food”

@Parkerlawyer

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

@DitzMcGeee

actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.

@Darlainky

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.