At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
O Wise One….
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
That de-escalated quickly
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.