Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Breaking news:

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.