At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
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unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
my favorite genre of twitter
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.