Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

So sorry

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.