At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I can fix him.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing