At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
