At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.