At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
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No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane