At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep