At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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WHY would you be happy about this?
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.