Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

Snack for election night!

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.