At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
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Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Yep.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?