Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Cannot stop laughing at this

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now