Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

Strangers have the best candy.

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

twitter is a journey