Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Where’s my employee discount too?

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.