Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?