[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
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Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts