[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
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Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.