At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Seems kinda suspicious
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
