At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
“and how does that make you feel?”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
¯_(ツ)_/¯
