At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Mountain Goat : )
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
