[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
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*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
this has done me in for some reason
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.