Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes