*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
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ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.