Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

My boss called in sick of me

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.