Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Got him!

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?