Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

im all 3

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

reminder

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.