Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Going to church you guys need anything

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.