Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.