Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

Netflix: We have Less

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!