at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
How do you like your Corgi?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.