Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?