[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
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The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no