[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
feetloaf
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Trains are just sideway elevators.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Check your privilege
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?