Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

But is it really??

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]