Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

it’s a van. how do they not know this

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

But is it really??

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?