Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Just why bro?!

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”