Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

What an awful time to have common sense.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.