Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

My apartment is a mess, I should move

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

Why is everyone getting married at me

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.