Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

Britain be like

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.