Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

Help

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.