[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
3% human
97% stress
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control