“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
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HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Nothing to do, you say?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.