“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
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I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it