[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I put the mess in domestic.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run