Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.