Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

a man came to my show and sent me a lengthy message about how terrible the experience was because of the comfort of the chairs. do people think the comedian buys the chairs? i turn up 10 hours early, just assembling them from ikea flatpacks.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.