Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.