Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.