Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Accurate

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

This will teach them to underestimate me

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.