Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
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i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no