Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
You are what you delete.
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer