Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

Xylophonist Shredding It

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler