Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Ate a vegetable about 5 hours ago…Still no abs.
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“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*
Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”