I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Ate a vegetable about 5 hours ago…Still no abs.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.
[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]
detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
*turns on shower*
*checks TL real quick*
*floods the entire neighborhood*
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Saturday night, time to get crazy! *shuffles Uno cards*
“What do you do for a living?”
“Louder for the tape?”
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.