@EricGoldie

Ate a vegetable about 5 hours ago…Still no abs.

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@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

@Gooooats

I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

@desukidesu

[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]

detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled

@ChicksRule

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

@CheetoBandito77

*turns on shower*

*gets undressed*

*checks TL real quick*

*floods the entire neighborhood*

@GrantTanaka

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

@jessokfine

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

@Tuna_Lover

I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.