@EricGoldie

Ate a vegetable about 5 hours ago…Still no abs.

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@Reverend_Scott

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

@someofmybest

“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*

@hogrider05

Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.

@FredTaming

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

@stevevsninjas

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

@Dave_in_SoPo

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

@KateWhineHall

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

@FattMernandez

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

@DaddyJew

Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.

@MichaelTrying

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”