Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”