Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
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Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
we did it you guys we saved daylight
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn