Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
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Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?