Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
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Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
So inspired right now.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Not today, today.
Not today.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy