Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.