Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.