I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
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You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.