Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
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Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Selfie
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Optional boss fight.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader