Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
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[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”