Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Lube but for my dry humor.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally