Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

We know he can swim but…

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

*3.5 thank you very much.

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”