Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
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my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Otters see a butterfly.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.