Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
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*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
No one:
London landlords:
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Jupiter
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake