Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Midwest trash talk
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.