You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
You Might Also Like
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.