Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
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dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
True.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
☠️
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
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